Jade and Karkat go to McDonalds
by Manda456
Summary: Title's pretty self explanatory. Jadekat oneshot. Warning: You will never look at Mango Pineapple smoothies the same way again after this. Read at your own risk.


"C'mon, Karkat! Let's get something to eat!" Jade said as she tugged Karkat's arm towards a local McDonalds. She was getting pretty annoyed. This was supposed to be a cute date, but Karkat refused to cooperate with her.

"I'm not eating any of your disgusting human-earth fast food." Karkat protested, trying to escape from Jade's grasp.

Jade rolled her eyes. "Kar, c'mon, would it kill you to at least act like you're enjoying this date?"

"Yes. As a matter of fact, it would." Karkat talked back to her.

Jade sighed. "Please?" She asked, giving him puppy dog eyes through her glasses. "I really wanna spend some time with you, and you're making this really difficult. Please, at least try to behave? For me?"

He looked at her, and saw her puppy dog eyes. He sighed. He couldn't say no to those eyes. "Fine," he gave in, "But only because of how adorable you look when you do that eye thing."

She smiled. "Yay!" She squealed with glee. She then pulled him by the arm and ran towards the McDonalds.

When they got in, Karkat's nose scrunched up. What was that smell?

Jade noticed his facial expression. "What's wrong, Karkat?" She asked.

He snorted. "Other than the fact that I'm surrounded by ugly humans and that there is an odor in here that is so repulsive that I would rather eat my own shit than have what your species refer to as, 'fast food', then no, everything's completely fine!"

Jade sniffed around, confused. "What are you talking about?" She asked, "All I smell are French fries."

"What the hell is that?" He asked.

"They're like, side orders for if you order a cheeseburger or-"

"What is in them that makes them smell so disgusting?" He interrupted her.

"Uh, well, they come from potatoes and then they cut them up and fry them in grease and put salt on them." She explained.

"And humans eat that?" He asked.

"They actually taste really good, though. You should try them." Jade replied.

Karkat looked at her like she was crazy. "There is no force in this universe that will cause me to consume those ratchet pieces of shit. The very thought makes me wanna vomit."

Jade furrowed her eyebrows. "You could've just said no." She replied.

Karkat groaned. "Well I didn't, get used to it."

She sighed. "Whatever, what do you want then?"

He looked over at the menu and raised an eyebrow. "Why does everything have 'Mc' in front of it?"

Jade shrugged. "Promotional purposes, I guess."

He snorted. "That makes no fucking sense! Who the fuck would feel the need to eat something that's known as a," He squinted his eyes, "McFlurry?"

Jade giggled. "Uh, a lot of people." She replied.

He shook his head. "Wow, your species is idiotic." He said.

She rolled her eyes. "Just hurry up and pick something! We're up next!"

"I'm not eating any of your disgusting human garbage." He said stubbornly.

Jade sighed. "Okay, you know what? I'm gonna buy you a smoothie, and you're gonna try it, whether you like it or not."

Karkat looked at her and frowned. "I already despise everything, what makes you think that something that your kind refers to as a 'smoothie' is gonna make me think otherwise?"

She laughed. "Because McDonalds makes the best smoothies ever! Trust me, you won't regret it."

"I'm pretty certain that I will." He replied, annoyed.

A short, tan girl behind the counter came up to us. "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?" She asked.

"Yeah," Jade replied as she gave the girl some money, "I'll just have ten Chicken McNuggets, medium fries, a Coke, and a Mango Pineapple smoothie, please."

"Coming right up!" The girl said as she walked away.

Jade sighed. "You're gonna love the smoothie, trust me-" She then turned towards where he was, but he wasn't there. She groaned. "Karkat, where'd you go?" She asked as she got out of the line.

She went towards the tables, and she found him, staring at a cardboard cutout of Ronald McDonald. She sighed. "Karkat, what the hell are you doing?" She asked.

"Who the fuck is this douchebag?" He asked, gesturing to the cutout.

She rolled her eyes. "That's Ronald McDonald, the restaurant's mascot."

He looked at it again. "He looks like a creepier, more retarded, red and yellow earth version of Gamzee."

Jade covered her mouth and bended over, laughing hysterically. "That. Is. So. True!" She said between laughs.

Karkat looked at her. "I don't see the joke in that." He replied.

She kept on laughing. "I'm sorry, I'm just never gonna look at Ronald the same way again, now!" She continued laughing her ass off.

He rolled his eyes and folded his arms over his chest. "It's not that funny." He said.

She regained her composure, reached over to the cutout, and poked Ronald's nose. "Honk." She said. She then started laughing again.

Karkat's mouth curled up into a tiny, almost non-existant smile. "Okay, fine, he looks like my moirail, hahaha, now let's go see if your shitty human earth food is ready."

"Yeah, good idea." They walked back over to the counter, and sure enough, it was. Jade loaded the food onto a tray, grabbed some ketchup packets and straws, and walked over to an empty table, Karkat right behind her. Jade placed the tray onto the table and sat down, while Karkat sat across from her.

She smiled. "Here's your smoothie." She said as she gave him his Mango Pineapple smoothie.

He examined it for a second, and gave her a look of disgust. "This is a smoothie?" He asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, what's wrong with it?" She asked as she took a sip of her Coke.

He pushed it away with his straw and said, "It looks as if Sollux ejaculated into a bucket and they poured the cum into this plastic cup."

Jade spat her soda out of her mouth, making a mess. "Karkat!" She yelled as she grabbed a napkin, "I'm fucking eating, here!"

He shrugged. "All I'm saying is that I'm not gonna drink anything that resembles Sollux's semen."

"It's not his semen, though!" She said as she wiped the Coke off the table. "It's just a delicious fruit smoothie that has no alien bodily fluids in it!"

He shook his head. "I'm not taking any chances." He said.

She sighed. "Here, I'll have a sip right now, and prove to you that it doesn't taste like semen!"

She grabbed the smoothie, stuck her straw inside, and took a sip. It tasted exactly how it's supposed to taste; like mangoes and pineapple.

She put it back on the table. "See? It tastes perfectly fine!"

He scrunched up his nose. "That was just ratchet." He commented.

She groaned. "Just taste the damn thing!" She said as she waved the smoothie in his face.

He sighed loudly. "Fine!" He replied as she snatched it out of her hands. "But if it tastes like Sollux, I'm out of here."

He hesitantly took a sip of the smoothie. Jade leaned back in her chair, watching the show. He put the smoothie back on the table, taking in the taste.

"Well?" She asked.

He sighed. "Okay. It doesn't taste like troll semen."

She pointed at him and laughed. "I told you so!" She said loudly.

He rolled his eyes. "Fuck off." He said as he took another sip.

They ate silently for a little while, but then Karkat said, "Seriously, why do they put 'Mc' in front of everything? It's fucking stupid!"

Jade sighed, popping a Chicken McNugget in her mouth. "I don't know. They just do."

"What shitsponge came up with that idea? Were they just like, 'Oh let's call this place McDonalds and put 'Mc' in front of McEverything so that there's some fucking stupid McNames that McHumans somehow completely disregard for some idiotic McReason. What, did the fuckass who founded this absurd human chain restaurant franchise have some sort of typing quirk to put 'Mc' in front of everything? Wait, humans don't have quirks, do they? Was this person in fact a troll? Did they somehow come to Earth before we did and opened up this vile place? That would explain the cum-resembling smoothies-"

"Karkat! Would you shut up!? God..." Jade shouted, getting pissed. "All I want is to have a nice, pleasant date with you, and that's gonna be pretty damn hard if you just keep on talking about troll semen! Just shut up!"

Karkat groaned. "I'm sorry I'm ruining your 'nice, pleasant date'." He said, not sounding very apologetic.

Jade sighed, figuring that that's the most sincere he could ever possibly be. Whatever, at least he apologized. "I accept your apology." She said, "Let's just talk about something else that doesn't involve that."

Karkat looked over her shoulder, and became wide-eyed. "Gogdammit!" He shouted.

"What now?" Jade asked, turning around. Then she rolled her eyes. "Oh my god." She said out loud.

A janitor was literally ten feet away, mopping the floor, with a huge, dirty, yellow, 4 foot tall bucket next to him.

He slammed his smoothie on the table and got up. "That's it. I'm out." He said as he got up and walked towards the exit.

Jade sighed loudly. "Karkat!" She shouted as she followed him outside, "Did you not remember that humans don't use buckets for those purposes?"

"I don't care! McDonalds is McDisgusting! Oh, great, now that troll who made this place got me McDoing it! Jegus McMother of screaming fuck!" He screamed.

Jade groaned as she trailed behind him. "He just never learns, does he?" She said to herself.

~ Moral of the story: Don't take Karkat to McDonalds. Ever. ~


End file.
